I was feeling a bit raw and on the verge of tears all day yesterday. It was not a bad day by any stretch. I was out enjoying the gorgeous weather, it was 76 and a perfectly sunny day, I even enjoyed a nice lunch outside which was a real treat. Yet my heart seemed a bit heavy I brushed it off to my hormones and my impending time of the month. I had also not slept well the past several nights so chalked some of the "feelings" up to that as well. However I felt as though I could burst into tears at any moment, I was just feeling so sad. BUT as most evenings around here are, it was filled with the kids activities, homework, dinner, then the bedtime routine. SO even though I felt like the dam of tears was about to break at any moment there just wasn't ever an opportunity to let it go and in my exhaustion at the end of the day I was asleep once I hit the pillow. SO this morning when I woke up I felt okay and did my usual morning routine, time with the Lord (praying and reading) and then I finished up my Refresh talk, got my kids ready for school but realized as I snapped at Bethany my heart was not quite right. As I said goodbye to my kids then closed the door it was as if a Tidal Wave or Tsunami of pain hit me without warning... the dam broke and the tears began to flow and flow and flow. I was sobbing and could not stop! I had not cried like that is a very long time. I know it's only been 30 months ( 2 years and 6 months to be exact) which some days seems like an eternity but today the ache in my heart was so tangible and fresh as if it happened yesterday. What once had been a gaping wound had started to heal. I could even see a scar begin to form but for some reason today it was if it was cut open all over again. What was it that caused such a rush of pain??
Maybe it was that I had the sweetest dream about Todd the other night. We were in college and had broken up but were getting back together. He was so handsome and alive. He loved me and embraced me in a way that seemed so real! I realized that I still miss that so much. I think I always will but for some reason today it seemed especially hard. Walking this life without Todd has proven difficult most days but today feels down right agonizing! I thought I was all healed my scar was even fading but I guess like with any loss it never fully goes away. There will always be memories, things that will cause me to stop and remember. Some things make me smile and even laugh now quite often but as I looked at some old scrapbooks and photo albums from college and our first years of marriage I was reminded of a really sweet and wonderful time in my life. Today those memories made my heart ache for the life and love I had. Oh how I wish I could go back even just for a moment...
Then there is all the evidence of new love around me, whether it is people adding, "in a relationship" or "got engaged" to their statuses. Or those who have found love at last and are finally walking down the aisle. I really am very happy for all of those friends and am excited for their new found happiness. Love can be a beautiful and wonderful thing but for some it is a painful reminder of a huge void of a love that is no more. I felt that big void more so in the first year or so after losing Todd. I even struggled with jealousy over others happiness but lately that all had gotten easier so again today the tears of pain and incredible ache in my heart caught me off guard.
Then there is the whole "going out/dating" with other men which I believe has been a fairly good experience and totally healthy. I don't think God is calling me to be single the rest of my life and it is a desire of my heart to remarry BUT it has stirred up a lot of emotions. I had it so good and sweet with Todd. He knew me so well, loved and cared for me flaws and all. We had survived the awkward first dates, getting to know each other, the growing pains in dating and marriage and accepted each other for who God made us. We made each other better. I know that relationships like that still exist it is just so different and a bit scary 20 years later! Starting over again is just plain hard and the world is a much different place! Not to mention a possible blending of families, making sure spiritual and moral beliefs line up and on and on...I do wish God would just drop the perfect man on my doorstep. He could totally do that I know, lol!
I have gone back and forth today whether to share this here. It was therapeutic just writing it out and the thought had crossed my mind that I could "not" publish it. It is definitely very raw and transparent but I think it's important to share especially for those who are walking this very difficult road called grief. I need you to know that even though the more time passes and the more my heart and your heart heals, there ares still going to be days when a tidal wave of grief may hit. There are things for all of us that are triggers. SO expect it and embrace it. God uses our tears as a way to help cleanse and heal. He also uses our pain and loss to minister and comfort others who are walking the road behind us.
Even though my heart began this day so heavy. With every tear I have shed and with every word said, written, and prayed over me has been like healing salve to my aching heart. So thank you to those who loved me through today with your words and prayers. They mean more than you know! That's another thing. People don't expect you to always have an answer to their pain or hurt. A prayer or just being there to listen, a shoulder to cry on have been some of the biggest blessings for me.
I am going to bed now a little less heavy hearted. Grateful that God once again comforted me with His big unfailing love. I still have much to be grateful for and those are the things I will focus on. I have made it through a difficult day but tomorrow is a new day and I am hopeful it will be brighter!
"Jesus is Better", a worship song that has been my prayer and anthem and I hope it will minister to you too...
In all my sorrows, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
In every victory, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
Than any comfort, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
More than all riches, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
Our souls declaring, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
Our souls eternal, JESUS is BETTER... Make my heart believe!
God help me to believe, JESUS is BETTER so that I can continue to Live For More!