I went to bed last feeling heavy-hearted and even after praying and having a good night sleep I woke up feeling the same way. Then I realized today is the 13th. Today marks 22 months since my love went to his heavenly home. The thirteenth of the month does not always hit me like a ton on bricks but my counselor told me that subconsciously my mind may remember that day and some months the emotions will come back in a strong and powerful way. As I was going to bed last night I thought, "Will there every be a day when I don't think about Todd?? Will there ever come a time when I don't miss him so much??!!" Oh how my heart was intertwined with his. I thought, "I missed my sister Carla a lot when she passed away but I don't remember after 22 months still feeling this way." But then I thought, "I didn't see Carla every day at the end of her life and we weren't married!! Todd and I were pretty much inseparable." We did everything together as a team. We lived, loved and served right along side one other and were rarely apart! Oh God I have so much going on and I praise you for a full life yet my heart in this moment is hurting. It guess I am still not quite healed and I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND!! With Father Day's coming up that day is a glaring reminder that my children have no earthly father and then I will be traveling to Haiti next week for the first mission trip without Todd, so maybe that has a part to play in my sadness today. Part of me is excited and part of me is nervous about celebrating Todd's birthday (June 21st) in Haiti. I could not think of a better way to celebrate his life and legacy there as it was a place he loved BUT my heart screams something is missing... YES HE IS!! I really am tired of having days like these in all honesty, yet I have grace with myself as I know it is part of the journey and one only I can go through. My schedule is full today so there won't be time to dwell on this too much which is good, I am glad to be having a good cry now. It does help my heart to share and I know that many of you reading are having a good cry with me! So THANK YOU for reading and most of all for your prayers! I really need them today!!
In my "Streams in the Desert" devotional I read, "My peace I give you!" John 14:27. Rest is not some holy feeling that comes upon is in church. It is state of calm rising from a heart deeply and firmly established in God."
Oh how I needed that this morning and really all day, everyday. I do not have my Jesus loving, over the top love to encourage my days here on earth any longer BUT I do have Gods word's and I love that John 14:27 in its entirety says this,
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. This was Jesus final legacy and parting gift to us! WOW!!!
Thank you Jesus for the gift of your ULTIMATE PEACE. I believe you see and know my broken, troubled heart. You are here collecting my tears as they fall from my cheeks and will continue to walk with me each and every step of the way! Please help me and all those reading this who are hurting to experience your PEACE and presence in a new and fresh way!
It is hard some days but I am choosing to Live For More,