My first birthday since losing Todd recently passed. As I celebrated with two dear friends in Napa, CA I could not have asked for a better day. What I mean is all things considered with my new adjusted life I celebrated in a place I had always dreamed of going and was surrounded by Gods beauty and enjoyed something different and unlike anything I had ever done with Todd. The trip began in San Francisco which was such a cool town not only in temperature (Texas was close to 100 degrees when I left) but also in architecture, people and food. Then we spent a few days in Napa Valley and oh how gorgeous that place was!! At times I felt like I was in a movie, I couldn't believe how picturesque the whole area was! We ended the trip on my birthday touring some very quaint, off the beaten path wineries. It was the perfect day! I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent that day and even though I was celebrating my birthday without my love which usually was made extra special by him I was not sad. I had moments where I thought of him but as I enjoyed the sights, sounds and tastes I chose in those moments to savor and be grateful for the gift I was being given, instead of my obvious loss. So that night we found a great pizza place to have dinner. For dessert a brownie sundae with a candle in it was served. My friends sang Happy Birthday to me and then after the song was finished, they said, "make a wish" and it was in that moment it hit me, my deep and profound loss!! My immediate thought was, " I want Todd!" I wish for Todd, I want my old life back!! Oh God, what can I wish for now? My sweet friends hugged me and then said something to make me laugh. I had a little cry but I didn't want to ruin a beautiful day with my tears and sadness.
As I reflected later that night about the day and my birthday "wish". I began to long for my old life and wished to go back in time. In that moment I wished that "making a wish" didn't have to be a part of birthdays. What is a wish really anyway? I looked it up and the definition is: "Feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen." In the past I might have made wished or hoped for things like, my sister to be healed, to have a baby, direction for where to start our church or other things that may have seemed unattainable to the world but with my faith in God were totally attainable. But now what I had wished and hoped for with Todd even the "not easily attainable" was truly and in this life on earth unattainable, that reality hit me afresh all over again! What I had wanted with Todd was now gone forever. So now as I sit here without my true love I realize once again I have a choice to make. My focus has to shift. As a believer and follower of Christ I must give my hopes and dreams over completely to God. I must remember that he knew before I was even born and that my life would be this way. This was part of His plan.
Today my wishes have become sincere and earnest prayers for direction and guidance in my new life. I can if I let myself camp on all the dreams that died with Todd on August 13, 2011 OR I can look to a sovereign God who continually whispers in my ear how much He loves me and through His word and past track record of faithfulness in my life, I am once again reminded that even though He allowed something that to the worlds eyes, mine included seems so unfair, He is God and I can trust him, even when I don't understand! I have lost much but have also gained much!! So as I get closer to the one year anniversary of Todds homecoming I think about all the ways my life has been radically changed. Yes it has been filled with more sadness, deep sorrow and intense pain but there has been joy too. YES God has been with me each and every step, every moment of every day.
For those of you who are new to my blog, thanks for taking the time to read as this has been a place I have used to share my heart and life as I have walked down the hardest road I have ever experienced in my 42 years of life. It has and will continue to be part of my healing process. This was not the first time I lost someone close to me but definitely the most difficult loss. Todd was my high school sweetheart, my best friend, husband for 18 years, my spiritual leader, the Daddy to my children and the pastor of my church. No wonder I feel like half my heart has been amputated!! Thank you to those who have followed my grief journey thus far and as I come to the end of my first year of widowhood, being a single Mom and living with my new identity. I am seeking God more than ever for my future and asking him what is His vision for me and my kids? Thank you for reading, praying and supporting my family. It means more to me than word can express!
Please continue to pray for me especially in the next few weeks as I take time to get away by myself and press into God and ask some tough questions. I am praying for great wisdom and discernment in areas of life, ministry, parenting and over all direction for our future.
I love you all and so does HE! "Since you were precious in My sight, you have been honored and I have loved you." Isaiah 43:4
God is forever stripping me of the things I want....to show me He is what I need. This hit me like a ton of bricks!! My life has been changed forever, from what I had wished or wanted it to be. I now ask God to make this my heart cry so that He will be all I need!
Live For More!!