I sit hear on this Monday morning reflecting on the past several months and I think about that popular saying, "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I think to myself that what I have gone through since Todd's passing has definitely by far been the hardest thing I have walked through in my 41 years of life. I feel at times that I might be crushed under the weight of it all. At other times my heart feels as though the pain may stop my heart!! I can honestly say that I am adjusting. It is getting a "little" easier. It still definitely does not feel normal or completely natural but life is moving on. The school year is over, we made it!! I have survived so many firsts without Todd. I did in fact just survive Disney World with my kids. I know you may be thinking shouldn't I be happy or excited that I got to take my kids to Disney World and I absolutely am on one hand but as with most things in my life it was "bittersweet". As I was at Disney World in one of the most magical places in the world my heart was still aching and missing my husband, I wanted to share this first with him too! I guess when you are so deeply in love with someone and share so much life together and then in an instant that is gone it takes more than 10 months to feel really good again. I think of the day to day things that I am doing now as a single parent and single woman and I am definitely gaining strength in the midst of all this, I am more than making it!!. People see me out doing things, creating new memories and they marvel at my strength. If they only knew how weak I really am! I definitely have no strength in and of myself. People ask me all the time how I am doing and I wonder if they really want to know the answer to that question. I often think, "do I tell them how I am really feeling?" I usually go with the standard, "pretty good". Right after Todd passed away I said, "okay" or, "this is really hard" or "I am making it moment by moment". So as time has passed I realize that my answer to "how are you?" has changed because I have changed. Prior to losing Todd I almost always said, that "I was great" Even though we walked through some really difficult stuff I had my partner by my side, my in the flesh support and encouragement to help get me through. So now as I deal with what has been called "life altering stress" I can't answer "great" yet. I feel as though I have turned a corner in one sense but then in another I wonder if I will ever fully recover. I do have deep rooted faith that God in spite of my emotions now will in time allow me to feel "great" again. I am hopeful in a God who promises to never leave me or forsake me and to lead me and to guide me...ALWAYS! Much of my life feels like it is in limbo and I am not sure where I fit anymore yet other parts are full of absolutes and joy, that is where I chose to focus most of my time. My kids continue to thrive in a spite of all this which I keep reminding myself is a testimony to Gods goodness, faithfulness and the strength, they see in me as I cope.
On hard days I love to open my Bible and find verses on hope, peace, love and joy. It is there I find true comfort from Gods word and truth instead of how I am feeling that day, as my emotions tend to lead me to a crazy place with not a lot of hope. I also have to remember that God is at the center of my life, HE is Sovereign (completely in control) of my life. A life that will never be the same as it once was BUT I do desire and still TRUST God's plan for my life NOW!
Ten months has passed and as I enter my first summer in 25 years without my love, soul mate and best friend I sit and pray and ask God what next? What does my future hold? In the short term I think of all me and the kids will do this summer... all the fun in the sun we will have, all the things we will share with family and friends. Actually we have already begun our summer fun, this weekend I took the kids to their first drive movie which they loved, I enjoyed it as I was reminded of many child hood memories when life was a lot simpler. Then today we picked blueberries almost 5 pounds worth! Two firsts to start the summer off right.
I read this week.... "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" - Psalm 30:5 Weeping may endure; there are sorrows that simply cannot be faced without tears, in my case A LOT of tears!! BUT joy is coming...dawn is approaching...the best is yet to come.
I am hopeful beyond my circumstances and am realizing more and more that although I may feel like there is NO way I can walk through something as difficult as this and come out alive let alone become stronger, I will and I AM becoming STRONGER, because of a faithful, loving God who is my source for strength! Psalm 28:7 "The LORD is my STRENGTH and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." Psalm 29:11 "The Lord gives STRENGTH to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace."
Thank you God for helping me and allowing your strength to be made perfect in me! I know that even though my heart is far from being healed, I am moving the right direction. Help me to continue to see you and to remember that you are not just GOOD but GREAT and that you have GREAT things up ahead. I love you with all my heart! Please overwhelm me with your peace and show me how to Live For More even when I don't think or feel like I can. You are worthy of all my praise and adoration!
Because YOU are faithful and all I need, I will walk in your strength and not my own, only then I can Live For More!