It has been 8 months since my love was taken up to Heaven and half my heart was taken from my body. It may seem odd to be counting down the months. I think back to the times in my life where I counted down days and months. The first time I remember counting the months was when I was counting down until my 16th birthday and to getting my driver license, then it was the months until summer after every year of college. Then once Todd and I were finally engaged and I was counting down the months and days to becoming Mrs. Todd Wortham and then also the time I was pregnant and was counting down the days, weeks and months until welcoming my precious baby into the world. So how ironic that I know am counting down the months since my life changed radically and so tragically. I think every day that passes I know I am one day closer to Heaven and I am one more day and now months down the road on my grief journey. So will this pain in my chest and sometimes my entire body some day go away? Will I always be this sad? I remember after my sister Carla passed away. I asked Todd the same question, "will I always be this sad", to which he stretched out his arms really big and said, "this is eternity" and then put his thumb and pointer finger about an inch apart and said, "and this is your life, so in the scheme of eternity, no you won't always be so sad". That was a comforting thought and he was right I was not always so sad over Carla. The biggest difference when I think back to that time in my life when my heart was hurting and missing my sweet sister and best friend was Todd. He was such a great listener to my heart that was hurting, he was a great shoulder to cry on, he made me laugh and laugh and was the one person who helped the most in my healing process. So as I sit here now suffering through the greatest loss and pain of my life I am alone, not completely I know. I have two precious children and supportive family and a bunch of amazing friends yet my heart is still lonely, longing for the one thing I can no longer have, TODD!!
Oh God please help my heart that aches with such intense pain! I don't understand or can even make sense of your plan for my life that includes living with out my perfect mate. I understand that your ways are not my ways and I only see a piece of the puzzle and you see and know the finished work. I can even hear Todd saying, "be patient and wait, God loves you and will teach you something amazing through this". I know and believe all that and God has proven so faithful to me in the past and I know He is and will continue to be consistent in character. But there are days like today when nothing can take the pain and the ache that is deep within my heart and soul. I know I must continue walking in these new shoes, I have blisters bad and I want to kick these uncomfortable things off. Oh God, please ease the pain! This is my new path and how I want to walk in your ways, seeking you with all my heart, trusting your plan and not constantly wishing I had my plan, my former life back!! I know God I can bring you my hurts, my broken dreams and all my honest emotions and deep pain. Please help me know how to handle this roller coaster of emotion!!
Even though I am still deeply wounded and am a long way from being healed I do feel as though God is using my pain and loss to minister to others and is teaching me a lot. His loves and grace DOES sustain!! He is showing me that He is still in control and that even though I DO NOT understand I can still TRUST HIM!! I am continually reminded of the 2 Corinthians 12:8, Paul is talking, Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me (a personal affliction). 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong!! I know I am so weak, there are still days when I think I just can't do it and then I recall Paul and his thorn and remember, when I am weak, HE IS STRONG!! Oh God, that I may know your mighty strength and be a testimony that your power can be made perfect in my weakness!
By God's Strength and Power I can Live For More!
PS A God sized Hug came in the form of a letter Jackson brought home from school today, you can read it below:
In case you could not read it, my favorite part is when he says, "I love you with all my heart". Then he ends with "I am going to tell you again" I Love You. Thank you God for my precious son whose love for me reminds me of how his Daddy loved me! I really needed to hear that today!! You are still good! Amen