- his HUGE wrap me up tight hugs,
- his smile, his hand in mine, his kiss
- his laugh
- him laughing and playing with our kids
- the way he would pray for me when I was tired, hurting or discouraged or just because he could sense I needed it.
- his spiritual leadership and wisdom
- his voice telling me, "I love you" or "your beautiful" , "your a great Mom" and his voice of encouragement and praise which came so naturally and often.
- the way he could make me laugh, I spent so much of my days laughing and smiling at his words, body language and just the way he lived and loved!
- the way he could take anything that was too serious and make it funny or a joke just to ease the tension and pressure.
- his way of helping me have the proper perspective especially if I was making a big deal about something that was really not a big deal!
- his phone calls, texts, emails
- his smell, his hands, his eyes and then everything I thought I could never miss like his snoring! What I would give to hear it again as I try to sleep in bed at night.
I could go on and on about all things things I miss! As I try desperately to make these "new shoes" fit right or be more comfortable the simple truth is that there NOT!! It has been 7 months and I still long, yearn and ache for my Todd. For how our life was! I just want to go back in time, I miss EVERYTHING about our old life!! I so long to see Todd again. My kids miss him, our family, our church miss him. I am feeling so weak!! I am reminded that my strength is not in myself, PRAISE GOD!! I would definitely be in a puddle on the floor but even still there are days like the past few where my heart seems to be saying or more like screaming, I can't do it!! I don't want to do it!! I did not want my life to be this way...
I have heard it said that grief is like running a marathon and if that's the case, I feel as though I am several miles down the road but I suffered an injury. I am hurting, the pain of the race is getting to me. I know in my mind I can do it or with God's help I can. But days like today my heart is crying out for the pain to stop, my body is weak and is waging against my spirit that is saying, you can do it! Focus on ME, find comfort in Me!! I have read, prayed and still the tears come. Oh God please help me, I know you are there, I know you have a plan and I do trust you but today my heart is tired and I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Please, please take the pain away! I MISS him so much!! I can't even begin to describe how bad this hurts!! I have so many precious friends that tell me often to call when I am feeling low or sad and I so wish that would help. On days like today I NEED TODD!! Life has moved on and my kids are growing and even thriving, our church has grown and moved on, family and friends celebrate new life, new marriages. I am truly joyful for all that, yet my heartache is a constant reminder that this life is hard and painful, and that my race is going to be a battle to the finish line! I am also reminded often that this isn't it! This is not as good as it gets, Hallelujah!! This is not where I belong. I know this sounds crazy but I haven't wanted Heaven as bad as I do now. When life was going good and is sweet I thought I want to stick around awhile and then once those closest to me started go on to Heaven I have been thinking more and more, "I think I am ready" Of course that is my human in great pain flesh talking but in my spirit I know God is not through with me yet. Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" There IS still work to be done in this city and I am trying hard to be a vessel for God's work and His glory and I can smile knowing that this is not my home!!
Father, please help my heart to believe and feel what I know to be true. You are there, you are walking this with me, at times even carrying me when I cannot walk on my own. I may feel lonely but I am not alone. Help me to know and feel especially right now that you are here! Please give me supernatural comfort! And Father for those reading this, that they too may experience your love, comfort and strength and healing today! I do love and trust you with all my heart!!
Because of His great Comfort I can LIVE For MORE!!
PS On a lighter note... below is the link to an amazing tribute video of Todd's life, may it challenge you to Live For More!