Oh how my life which seemed to be more focused and filled with love and light seems at times now to be surrounded by darkness! The daily reminders of my new life that my heart continues to fight against as I navigate through life as a widow and single Mom, me a widow I am only 41 years old!! People I thought became widows much older in life and then I am reminded that I do know of widows that are even younger so I am not the only one walking in the valley of the shadow of death. Many are walking this hard, lonely, dark road of loss and grief! I am now a part of a select group that has way too many members each wishing that they were not a part of this difficult group. I had a busy weekend celebrating a friend who if getting married in two weeks. There was lots of laughter, food, presents and fun and in those moments I felt a bit normal and was reminded that as much as I feel like my life has stopped and even though I really don't want to celebrate anything new without Todd, the rest of the world does not operate under that thinking and is moving on. Couples continue to meet, fall in love and get married. My kids continue to grow and even celebrate birthdays. All of those things are such painful reminders of what I have lost! So how do I live in my new adjusted life? Do I let the darkness of the sorrow and this time of overwhelming grief and emotion overtake me?? I have a choice to make to either allow the darkness to overtake and consume me or walk through it with the hope that light is on the other side! I daily pray and ask God's opinion and wisdom and then praise Him for His response. He is so patient and loving to share His word with me. As I cried through the better half of my day yesterday and prayed before closing me eyes last night to have a better day I awoke this morning feeling different, not so sad! Had my situation changed? Oh how I wish!! I am definitely past the point of thinking I will wake up out of this nightmare. I am fully aware that this is my new and very real life! Not what I had planned for my life but it is God's sovereign plan. Romans 11:33 says, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements (decisions) and his paths beyond tracing out"! Gods decisions are too deep for human minds to understand , comprehend and follow. I do chose to have faith in God's plan... the plan that allowed the love of my life to be taken from me and our children, sometimes this is easier said that done I assure you!
So as I opened my Bible this morning to find some hope for the day the verse I read was, Isaiah 42:16b, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth." what a wonderful verse! God doesn't have me in the darkness to stay there but His word tells me that He WILL TURN my darkness into LIGHT and he will make my ROUGH places SMOOTH!! Oh how I needed to hear that this morning! I have often felt like this rough place may last forever, like my heart and my emotions may not recover from THIS ONE!! God is telling me that it will get better, my darkness will turn to light again and this rough spot will not last but at some point, hopefully SOON, it will be smooth... WOW!! I don't know how many other people need to hear that it isn't always going to be this way, but I sure do!
Dear God, thank you for loving me enough to give me your word that encourages and challenges me each and every day! Help me today as I begin another busy week trying desperately to see the light and not just all the darkness. I need you more than ever! I desire to be an encouragement to others who may be walking in a dark valley uncertain of how to walk in the light. Use my story and even this blog to draw others to YOU! I love you!!
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU are WITH ME, your rod and your staff, they COMFORT me!" So if you are walking through your darkest valley, know that JESUS (the good shepherd) is with YOU! His rod and staff will be used to protect you for your enemies (which sometimes can be your own mind and thinking) and most of all His presence will bring you COMFORT!
Because of His great love and light I can LIVE FOR MORE!!
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