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Dear Todd
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December 31, 2011

Dear Todd,

Today marks 5 months since you left us and went home to Heaven.  I still have a hard time believing it! I have managed to survive our anniversary, the first day of school, attending Jackson's football games alone, purchasing a new car, Halloween, Thanksgiving and now Christmas.  I guess I am adjusting okay but still find it hard to believe you are gone.  After all you were my superhero and my forever love which means you were supposed to be invincible and you a I were going to grow old, very old together!  I definitely would not choose to parent alone, it actually really stinks BIG TIME and has been one of my biggest adjustments as you were such a GREAT, hands on Daddy (probably didn't tell you that enough)  but God is filling in the gaps and between family and friends the kids are adjusting and being well taken care of.

I took the kids on a cruise with your Mom, Shelley and Jeff for Christmas. They had a really good time and I managed to enjoy it too. It was definitely different vacationing and definitely celebrating Christmas without you but God gave us good weather, good food and we were able to build some fun new memories. Bethany continues to make us all laugh, she definitely has your sense of humor and Jackson tried snorkeling in Cozumel and loved it! I know can you believe it? Our cautious son, I think he is gaining more courage which is so fun to watch.  The turquoise blue water and the tropical fish of Cozumel were incredible. As I was there I was reminded of our trip 18 months earlier to celebrate my 40th birthday and what a great time we had. Those will be memories I treasure the rest of my life.

I miss you more than you will ever know but I am seeking the Lord as my husband and spiritual leader.  Thank you for your great example as a husband, friend, daddy, pastor and neighbor.  Your life and legacy has touched more than you ever knew here on earth and oh how God is being glorified!

As we get ready to welcome a new year, I am trying desperately to get to the other side of grief and am reminded of God's faithfulness. I think back to when we had just experienced the pain of the failed adoption of Travis Isaiah and our hearts were broken and hurting and I was sitting in BSF and the teaching leader said, "often times God uses difficult circumstances to accomplish His will but it's on the other side of that difficulty that we see His goodness, His glory and His purpose".  At that point in time we were not on the other side of that difficulty but just beginning the grieving process and God had in His plan to bring us a surprise blessing in Bethany Grace only 6 months later!  I am still not on the "other side" but oh how I wish I was!  I am trusting God this year to bring His goodness, His glory and in time even His purposes.  At times I may fail sweetheart,  but know that I paid attention and learned from you how to stay faithful to God and how to persevere under pressure.  I know too that God loves me and is walking with me through this!

Until I see you again in Heaven, I continue to LIVE FOR MORE! Cassi

PS Jackson went into your office last night, (we have kept the door closed and only go in there every once in awhile) he said, "it still smells like him, I don't have a smell but daddy does it is a random good smell and I like it.  Made me smile and tear up a bit too. Oh what I'd give to smell that as Jackson said, "random smell" again!!

Walking through darkness...

Walking through darkness...

My new "normal" does not feel so "normal"

My new "normal" does not feel so "normal"