My new "normal" does not feel so "normal"
As I sit here preparing to leave on a trip for Christmas, our first one without Todd I think about how people have been saying you have to adjust to your new normal. Then I think, "there is nothing "normal" about all this"! This isn't how my life is supposed to be! After 6 years of dating, premarital counseling and working hard to have an amazing and God centered marriage our plan was to stop the pattern of divorce in our families and raise our children together as a united, strong, loving couple into our golden years. It is interesting to think that as people we have a plan for our lives , some of us have it all mapped out but then God sees and often time has a different plan. We only see a piece of the puzzle but God knows the completed work. To my human mind this turn of events and tragic loss of my husband (after only 18 years of marriage)and life partner make NO sense!! The purpose of His plan in all this is still unclear. I cannot help but trust and know that He does have a plan as He had a grater plan in all the other trials and loss he allowed me to walk through which in some cases I know see the end result. I am reminded of a verse I clung to when Todd and I were trying to get pregnant and our plans were not succeeding. Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails". God's plan trumps my plan and if I truly trust Him I understand that He really does know what's best for me. I recently heard it said, "we want what's good for our life but God wants what's BEST"! SO didn't I have the best? I thought so! I did not ever get jealous over other couples before because I had such a sweet and wonderful marriage and an amazing, adoring, loving and serving husband. But know I find myself not only missing what I used to have but feeling at times bits of jealousy over others. I really don't like this new life and I have to ask God daily to show me how to live with my new abnormal life. I really think it should not be called my new normal but my life which has been adjusted to draw me closer to Christ and force me to depend on Him more! My heart really fights that and gets mad at life, cancer, chemotherapy, suffering but I must remember that Christ suffered the greatest of all. Rejection, persecution, loneliness, even death on a cross for me!! HE knows my pain, heart ache, loss and even understands death. So how on earth do I find the strength to face my "new" life that I am having to greatly adjust to? I remember the Apostle Paul who had a thorn in his flesh (some sort of physical pain) and he begged the Lord to take it from him, 3 times and here is what He said, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10" My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persucutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"!! I am by no means Paul, I am definitely not delighting in all this BUT I do find comfort in his words and know that Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness and that is something I can hold on to and helps keep me going!!
As we get closer to the celebration of Jesus my Saviors birth, may you find true PEACE, LOVE, JOY and HOPE in the one who came as a baby in a manger!
With Christ help I can LIVE FOR MORE,