So I have always been a fairly positive person maybe it's because when I was younger my Dad worked for Zig Ziglar and I was taught the power of positive thinking. I even went through the series Born to Win in high school and it really did help frame my thinking. I have had a strong faith for a number of years BUT it has definitely been tested! I think losing Todd has definitely shaken it to the core!! I remember when Todd and I were praying for a baby and after two attempts with the doctor had failed we finally said, "God you are going to have to do this" We felt in our hearts that we were not ready to tackle adoption and really desired to have at least one of our own blood, more out of curiosity of what our child would look like and be like since we had been together at that point for 15 years! But we were not sure if we'd be able to have our own baby, because of Todd's cancer treatment which had made it difficult to conceive on our own. SO in January of 2002 we began to pray for God to provide the $10,000 dollars to allow us to try invitro again. I remember at some point saying to Todd "can't we just ask your grandmother to let us borrow the money, you know she's give it to us." He said, lovingly; "then it wouldn't be from God." I remember thinking so is God going to just allow $10,000 to drop from the sky?? So we prayed every barren women's prayer from the Bible and prayed every night to God asking him to give us a child and like Hannah who prayed in I Samuel chapter 1 we too prayed telling God if he gave us a a child we would give he or she back to him to glorify and honor him! So on a sunny Spring day in March after we had been praying faithfully night after night for 3 months we received a card in the mail from Todd's grandmother, (the same one I had said we should ask) it was a simple "Happy Spring" card but had a small piece of paper in it which read, "I am gifting Todd and Cassi Wortham $10,000.00 to invest in their future"!! I almost passed out and as I began to cry and shared the card with Todd we realized God had heard our prayer and had not just provided $4,000 or $7,000 but exactly the amount we needed to try Invitro Fertilization, one last time! So as the story goes... God did not only provide the money but His hand of blessing with us every step of the way. At times I doubted and even thought it may not happen but on June 6, 2003 we welcomed Jackson Todd Wortham into the world. A red headed, big dimpled, precious son!! 6 weeks shy of our 10 year wedding anniversary!! SO fast forward to Monday. I was having a terrible day it felt as though I had just lost Todd and the reality of it all had just hit me, I was overcome with grief!! In the midst of my puddle of tears I got a call from the school telling me Jackson wasn't well and he needed to come home. So I wiped away my tears pulled myself together and went to pick up my son. When we got home he crawled in bed beside me and we watched a movie. My heart started feeling a little better and as I cried more throughout the day little did Jackson know his presence was a gift. He was helping me make it through the hard day. Monday nights are usually the night we have our Mom/Son dinner so since Jackson was feeling better we ventured out Walmart and dinner. I have to tell you that Jackson was probably the most helpful that night than he has ever been. He pushed the cart through the store reminded me of what we were there to get etc... It was one of the most positive Walmart experiences I have yet to have with him. That may seem petty but if you have kids and you've ever taken them to Walmart it doesn't always go like that! So then we go to dinner and I was a little sad as we were at Pei Wei which was a place Todd and I went together on dates often but as I looked over at Jackson who was thoroughly enjoying his food he said, "This has made my day" which then in turn made my day. My heart melted as my precious son continued to share and love on me just by his simple presence! Then yesterday after Bethany got in trouble and was crying he went in a hugged her and told her it would be okay and then read her two stories before bed. Again, my heart melting at the heart of love from my 8 year old! I later thanked him for reading to Bethany and loving on her and he said, "I need to help out" WOW!! I was so proud and know that Todd would be too!!
As I sit here know thinking about all those years of infertility and trying desperately to trust God's plan I am reminded of Abraham who was promised a child by God but as he neared 100 years old still had no child with Sarah yet Romans 4:19 says, Without weakening his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead... then verse 20-21 , yet he did not waver, through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised. My faith is being tested BIG TIME but my prayer is that it will not waver and that like Abraham I will continue to be fully persuaded that God still has the power to do what he has promised!!
Isn't it ironic how that all those years ago as we were praying and trusting God to provide a child for us unknown to Todd's grandmother she felt led to gift all her grandchildren $10,000 to "invest" in their futures. What a precious investment that turned into, a much prayed for long awaited son. I cannot think of anything better!
God, thank you for fearfully and wonderfully making my son, Jackson and allowing me to be his Mom, little did I know when you gave him to me 8 years ago all he would mean to me! I am beyond grateful! Please help me to invest in his life well!!
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!"
In faith I Live for More!!