One of my biggest struggles right now is parenting my kids alone! I know I am not truly alone BUT I went from having a totally hands on husband and Daddy and then in a instant became a single parent raising my kids as both Mom and Dad!! Todd and I both have parents that have divorced so our prayer was always that we would be committed to our marriage and break the cycle of divorce so our kids would know both Dad and Mom and be raised in the security of a God centered marriage. I guess God had a different plan =( I know I am not the only women in the world parenting kids alone but I think what has made it so much harder is that I experienced the sweetness of parenting as a team. Todd used to say we would "tag team" While I was putting Bethany to bed he would be helping Jackson with homework or reading with him, or he would do bath time so I could clean up after dinner or often times after a long day he would just take over. How wonderful to have such a loving, serving hands on Daddy. I so appreciated him and was so thankful for his love and the way he cared for me and the kids. I know I often took all he did for granted because after all it wasn't like he had a cushy office job and just sat on the computer all day playing solitare. He was dealing with pretty stressful stuff but he still came home and gave the kids and I all his love and attention! So know I realize like I always knew just how hard you single Moms and Dads have it! I never doubted for a minute it wasn't one of the most difficult of things, I would always just thank God that I didn't have to be in those shoes. How ironic that I know sit here as a single Mom raising and 8 year old and a 3 yr old without their most wise, loving and extremely creative Daddy! Oh how I am reminded daily just how much He did!! I often am now so tired or just emotionally drained but the kids need a bath, dinner, help with homework, they want to play, wrestle etc... oh and Jackson loves football and now basketball so guess whose playing football and basketball with him, you guessed it ME!! I have always loved football and when Todd and I were first married we would go out and throw and he even taught me to run pass patterns, it was actually really fun so now I am doing those things with Jackson. Oh but I don't know a thing about basket ball but I can learn, right?? So my new reality which is still trying to process the death of my larger than life husband of 18 years has also been thrust into single parenthood without any warning or time to even wrap my brain around it all!!!!!!
I must share that even though Todd is no longer here to fill a lot of the parenting roles many friends and family have stepped up to help which has been wonderful and I so appreciate and am forever grateful!! I wish I could say it makes it all better but unfortunately it doesn't, at least not right now. It doesn't replace my larger that life, full of BIG HUGS, contagious joy and humor of a husband! I miss him more than ever and am truly grateful that this side of Heaven I experienced a love, marriage; rich with God's best and was able to watch a Daddy do it WELL!! I know this is not the end of the story, so what now God? I was reminded the other day as I was struggling in disiplining Jackson that I too have God's wisdom thrrough His word and how interesting that Todd shared a series on the family with our church this past Spring in which I have notes and am in the process of listening to again. SO really I still have so much of Todd's love, wisdom and even parenting tips to pull from. And with lots of prayers and me helping Jackson understand his heart and why God asks him to obey and respect me that part is getting better too!!
Living for more is hard but worth it!!
Psalm 54:4 "Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me."