Oh this is SO Hard!! When I stood at the altar on August 21, 1993 I pledged to love, honor and cherish Todd until death do us part and I was thinking that would happen around 80 or 90, NOT 42!! After all Todd had already survived cancer, actually God healed him!! So my brain still has a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that He isn't here anymore and that he isn't going to walk through the door anytime soon either!! As I sit here now reflecting on the last 18 years of my life I wonder how on earth am I suppose to live, breathe, parent my children and just function without the man I called my soul mate, life partner and who is and was the Daddy of my kids. This is not how I planned my life to be and God certainly did not consult me!! Had he asked me I would have said on no, absolutely NOT!! But He didn't and either I believe He is fully sovereign and is completely in control or I don't! I surrendered my heart and life fully to God many years ago and He has been with me since I was 10. We have walked through many what I thought at the time were difficult hardships but none like this one! I definitely think I am buckling under this load, this feels like more than I can handle!! Many days I don't know if I can make it! How am I supposed to live my life alone without my best friend, the man I grew up with, the man I spent almost every day living life to the full with for the past 24 years (we dated for 6 years)?? My identity was so intertwined with his and now who am I really?? These are all things I am daily wrestling with and trying to figure out. So where is God in all of this?? I am thankful that I have had a solid relationship with the Lord for many years now and have trusted him through the divorce of my parents, death of my sister, loss of a child, infertility, an adoption battle and so much more. So during this most agonizing emotional, physical, mental and spiritual battle, how do I make it?? My mind immediately takes me to the future and I wonder how will I raise a Godly son without a Godly father figure and how will I provide for my children, and how will I make it without my spiritual leader and true love to share and walk out life with?? As I pray and ask the Lord these questions, He reminds me that He is and always has been the ONE constant, never changing thing in my life! He has never and will never leave me or forsake (abandon) me. I know He has been so faithful so my mind is drawn back to Him and His word. The word, His Holy Bible that I committed years ago to memorize and hide in my heart, I praise God for impressing that need on my heart all those years ago! So I hear him saying to me...
"Many are the plans in a man's heart BUT it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him and I am helped" Psalm 28:7
I also remember the words of Jesus in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid!
So as I struggle through this day missing like crazy, oh so terribly my very loving, funny, bear hugging amazing husband I am reminded that I have a loving savior who is saying I love you Cassi like no other. Todd loved and adored you so much BUT my love for you surpasses all!! Remember today to, Focus on me, sweetheart, Focus on me and I will help you carry this overwhelming load!
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Trying hard to Live for more!